The queen is sitting by a window one snowy winter day, sewing with the window open and letting in the shrieking winter wind. In a sudden fit of clumsiness brought on by the inexplicable cold, she jabs her finger with the needle and three drops of blood fall onto the glittering snow that has drifted onto the black windowsill. Admiring the color combination that is the same as the cover of many frightening YA books today, she wishes she could have a child with skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony. Snow White is born, the queen dies, and the king remarries. The new queen, alas, is a vain woman who owns a magic mirror that tells her who the fairest in the land is whenever she asks nicely in poetry (“Flower, gleam and grow”—wait, wrong song). This is a certain recipe for disaster, for when Snow White reaches the age of seven, the mirror begins to say that Snow White is more beautiful than the queen. Oops.
Consumed by jealousy and turning all sorts of green (I’m sure that goes nicely with red, black, and white, wouldn’t you agree?), the queen orders her personal huntsman to take Snow White out to the forest, kill her, and take the girl’s lungs and liver to the queen as proof that the queen’s rival has been eliminated from the secret universal beauty pageant of death. The huntsman takes Snow White to the forest, Snow White begs for her life, and the huntsman lets her run into the forest. He then kills a boar and gives its lungs and liver to the queen, who promptly eats the vital organs with relish and mustard. In the meantime, the girl has found the dwarfs’ house, eaten their vegetarian suppers, and fallen asleep. When the dwarfs come home, they find her and make a deal with her that she will take care of the house (including knitting, sewing, cooking, and cleaning) in return for shelter and protection. (Kids, that’s the difference between bears and dwarfs.)
Consumed by jealousy and turning all sorts of green (I’m sure that goes nicely with red, black, and white, wouldn’t you agree?), the queen orders her personal huntsman to take Snow White out to the forest, kill her, and take the girl’s lungs and liver to the queen as proof that the queen’s rival has been eliminated from the secret universal beauty pageant of death. The huntsman takes Snow White to the forest, Snow White begs for her life, and the huntsman lets her run into the forest. He then kills a boar and gives its lungs and liver to the queen, who promptly eats the vital organs with relish and mustard. In the meantime, the girl has found the dwarfs’ house, eaten their vegetarian suppers, and fallen asleep. When the dwarfs come home, they find her and make a deal with her that she will take care of the house (including knitting, sewing, cooking, and cleaning) in return for shelter and protection. (Kids, that’s the difference between bears and dwarfs.)
Meanwhile, the queen looks in her mirror again and asks it all about how pretty she is—and it tells her that, lo and behold, Snow White is a thousand times fairer than she. Well, the queen can’t have that! So she dresses up as a peddler (where’s all that queenly beauty now?) and takes a hike over the river and through the woods to the dwarfs’ house. Now, the queen is rather cunning, so she has decided to appeal to Snow White’s vanity by giving free samples of pretty laced bodices. Snow White oohs and aahs and tries on the bodice, which the queen immediately laces up so tightly that Snow White can’t breathe and falls over in a dead faint. (Kids, that is also why it is a bad idea to take the free samples from salesmen.) The queen cackles and skips away gleefully, thinking that she has succeeded in killing her preteen rival.
Fortunately for Snow White, the dwarfs come home before she has entirely expired. They quickly notice that she has acquired new garb and decide to take it off because, after all, Snow White is even whiter than normal and is kind of collapsed on the floor. Maybe the bodice has something to do with it. They have to use a dagger to cut the laces, but as soon as they do, Snow White gasps and coughs and starts breathing again. The dwarfs help her finish her chores and decide that, now that she is okay again, they will go to work again the next day because RESPONSIBLE PARENTING.
Naturally, the definitely diabolical queen decides to preen in front of her mirror again, but is immediately informed that a certain little girl is still winning her secret beauty pageant. The queen grinds her teeth, puts on comb seller [peddler] garb, and heads out with a basket of poisoned combs. When she gets to the dwarfs’ cottage, Snow White still doesn’t notice that the comb seller is the same creepy queen that she grew up with for seven years, submits to the peddler’s flattery and offers of free comb samples, and lets the queen comb her hair. Remember, though, that the combs are poisoned, so as soon as one touches Snow White’s skin, the girl goes into anaphylactic shock and collapses on the floor. The queen makes her dramatic super-villain getaway, complete with terrifying evil chuckles and a victory dance. Again, though, the dwarfs come home, discover Snow White’s new hair decoration, take the comb out, and give Snow White some epinephrine. The next day, they still go to work because Snow White is still alive and obviously isn’t in any danger whatsoever.
The mirror keeps telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and the queen characteristically still can’t believe that Snow White is still alive! Panting just a little bit (she has, after all, trekked over the river and through the woods to the dwarfs’ house and back twice in recent days), she mixes up some super-powerful poison, puts it on half of an apple, puts on her a farmer’s wife outfit, and heads right back to the dwarfs’ house. This time, she eats half of the apple with Snow White, who is by now understandably a teensy bit skeptical about free samples. However, the queen eats the good-for-you half and feeds the gullible Snow White the poisoned half. A chunk of apple lodges in Snow White’s throat and she collapses. After the gloating queen has ridden off on her figurative broomstick, the dwarfs come home—but they don’t notice any new accoutrements on the girl, so they make the lovely Snow White a glass coffin and hold an elaborate funeral in which she is placed aboveground for display because RESPONSIBLE PARENTING.
A prince comes by. He sees the lovely girl, who is probably not much older than seven years old right now (remember that Disney made her a more romantically-appropriate 14-year-old), and instantly falls in love. He has to do some bargaining to get this new and attractive exhibit, but eventually the dwarfs allow him to take the girl in the glass coffin with him to his castle. While they are carrying the coffin, though, someone trips and jostles the coffin, and the apple piece is dislodged from Snow White’s throat. She awakens, hacks, and vomits the apple out. The prince and the dwarfs are delighted that the sleeping beauty is awake and the prince asks her to marry him. He somehow takes the little girl's gagging for a hearty "yes." For wedding entertainment, the prince invites the evil queen to the wedding, gives her red-hot shoes, and forces her to dance herself to death in them. Everyone lives happily ever after except for the evil queen, who still ends up losing her beauty pageant.
The End.
Fortunately for Snow White, the dwarfs come home before she has entirely expired. They quickly notice that she has acquired new garb and decide to take it off because, after all, Snow White is even whiter than normal and is kind of collapsed on the floor. Maybe the bodice has something to do with it. They have to use a dagger to cut the laces, but as soon as they do, Snow White gasps and coughs and starts breathing again. The dwarfs help her finish her chores and decide that, now that she is okay again, they will go to work again the next day because RESPONSIBLE PARENTING.
Naturally, the definitely diabolical queen decides to preen in front of her mirror again, but is immediately informed that a certain little girl is still winning her secret beauty pageant. The queen grinds her teeth, puts on comb seller [peddler] garb, and heads out with a basket of poisoned combs. When she gets to the dwarfs’ cottage, Snow White still doesn’t notice that the comb seller is the same creepy queen that she grew up with for seven years, submits to the peddler’s flattery and offers of free comb samples, and lets the queen comb her hair. Remember, though, that the combs are poisoned, so as soon as one touches Snow White’s skin, the girl goes into anaphylactic shock and collapses on the floor. The queen makes her dramatic super-villain getaway, complete with terrifying evil chuckles and a victory dance. Again, though, the dwarfs come home, discover Snow White’s new hair decoration, take the comb out, and give Snow White some epinephrine. The next day, they still go to work because Snow White is still alive and obviously isn’t in any danger whatsoever.
The mirror keeps telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and the queen characteristically still can’t believe that Snow White is still alive! Panting just a little bit (she has, after all, trekked over the river and through the woods to the dwarfs’ house and back twice in recent days), she mixes up some super-powerful poison, puts it on half of an apple, puts on her a farmer’s wife outfit, and heads right back to the dwarfs’ house. This time, she eats half of the apple with Snow White, who is by now understandably a teensy bit skeptical about free samples. However, the queen eats the good-for-you half and feeds the gullible Snow White the poisoned half. A chunk of apple lodges in Snow White’s throat and she collapses. After the gloating queen has ridden off on her figurative broomstick, the dwarfs come home—but they don’t notice any new accoutrements on the girl, so they make the lovely Snow White a glass coffin and hold an elaborate funeral in which she is placed aboveground for display because RESPONSIBLE PARENTING.
A prince comes by. He sees the lovely girl, who is probably not much older than seven years old right now (remember that Disney made her a more romantically-appropriate 14-year-old), and instantly falls in love. He has to do some bargaining to get this new and attractive exhibit, but eventually the dwarfs allow him to take the girl in the glass coffin with him to his castle. While they are carrying the coffin, though, someone trips and jostles the coffin, and the apple piece is dislodged from Snow White’s throat. She awakens, hacks, and vomits the apple out. The prince and the dwarfs are delighted that the sleeping beauty is awake and the prince asks her to marry him. He somehow takes the little girl's gagging for a hearty "yes." For wedding entertainment, the prince invites the evil queen to the wedding, gives her red-hot shoes, and forces her to dance herself to death in them. Everyone lives happily ever after except for the evil queen, who still ends up losing her beauty pageant.
The End.
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